devastated

That Helpless Feeling

Somebody I love with all of my heart is struggling to breathe. She is struggling to live and there is nothing anyone can to. She is laying in a hospital fighting for her life, and unfortunately it does not look like she is going to win. I’m devastated.I feel like I am losing someone way before I should, and I am not okay, and I do not understand.

When I was a kid I thought that once you get older having somebody die doesn’t hurt as much. That I would somehow have an easier time dealing with this unfortunate part of life. But I am badly mistaken. I think it is much harder when you are older because you actually understand the magnitude of death. When this person leaves the world, I won’t get the chance to hug, love, or kiss this person for a very long time. She won’t be able to ask me about school, or guide me in making the right choices. She will just be gone, and I will be left with my memories.

I am heartbroken and feeling helpless. She had been a constant in my life since the day I was born, and loved me no matter what. She made sure that at during the biggest transition in my life, I had a room decorated specially for me so that I would feel comfortable back in my home. She taught me how to swim, bake, cook, and sew. She was the image of a Grandmother that I never got to have, and taught me so many life lessons. She means the world to me and I am not ready to live in this world without her. I don’t want to know what life is like without her.

Many times everyday I find myself begging the Lord to give her more time and stop her suffering. I pray for a miracle. I pray she will somehow get through this and be healthy again. I want to forget what the doctors say and just have hope, but I am slowing losing it.

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